


All Praise the Sun!

by NyxEclipse



Series: Our Crazy Master [1]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gacha Hell, M/M, Memes, Out of Character, Pls no Kirei, spooky time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 22:46:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13937022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxEclipse/pseuds/NyxEclipse
Summary: It is never easy to summon the servants you want, which is why masters from all over the world go through the trouble of painstakingly preparing various catalysts. Once you acquire the correct catalyst however, it’s a whole different story.





	All Praise the Sun!

“GOD DAMMIT. COME HOME ALREADY OZZY!”

All was relatively peaceful in Chaldea until the shill scream of one very frustrated woman rang out.

By now, most people in the building had long since grown used to the female master’s random bouts crazed shouting. On very rare occasions however, those angry screams would turn into equally crazy fangirl screaming if she managed to summon someone ‘worthy’, or whatever it was that met her requirements.

“I see what you mean now.”

Gilgamesh was just casually relaxing with some of the other servants in the common lounge when their master’s incredibly loud shrieking had disrupted every single conversation. Being a rather new addition to this odd collection of different characters, some of the more helpful servants were giving him a bit of a rundown of how Chaldea worked. Of course, included in this briefing was the rapid mood swings of their incredibly eccentric yet surprisingly decent master.

“To be fair, she did shatter a number of windows with her screams of excitement when she managed to summon you.” Karna helpfully informs him.

The King of Heroes would know this. The young lady had practically cried in joy while clinging on to him like a koala and attempting to deafen everyone with her voice.

“SRCREW THIS.”

Thundering steps that shake the entire building quickly approaches. Majority of the servants pale rapidly at this and start scrambling out of the lounge in doves. At their table, the normally cocky Cu Chulainn is also remarkably pale and looks ready to flee.

“Uh, I know you’re new Goldie. Which is why I’m advising you to get the hell out here right now.”

“You dare address me in such a manner mongrel?!”

Ignoring the infuriated King of Heroes, the blue haired lancer turns to his fellow lancer and gestures to the exit. Karna simply shakes his head.

“Figured you would be too nice to leave. Oh well.”

With that, Cu Chulainn dashes away at record speed.

Not long after that, their master, with her orange hair sticking out in all directions, barges into the room. She glances around the room at the few servants that were ~~suicidal~~ kind or curious enough to remain and smiles menacingly.

“Alright, this should be enough.”

Despite himself, Gilgamesh feels a shiver go down his spine at their master’s words and the ominous look on her face.

-/-/-

Eventually, all the appropriate ~~sacrifices~~ servants were gathered into the summoning chamber. Gawain, the Sun Knight, looks as though he wants to melt into the shadows in his corner. The poor man had been dragged kicking and screaming by the rest of his fellow knights under the promise of being left out of the next few summoning rituals. Quetzalcoatl seems cheerful enough, busy chatting to an equally enthusiastic Nitocris. It is apparent the two women are quite excited to be part of the process of summoning the great King of Kings. Karna wears his usual tranquil look on his face as he takes small sips of wine offered to him. Sitting with him at the few couches available in the chamber is Gilgamesh, Merlin and Siegfried, the last which had been roped into the whole situation as he was unfortunate enough to be walking down the same corridor as them. The wine was of course of the best quality and provided by the ever haughty King of Heroes who was in a rather benevolent mood at the moment. Or perhaps it was just the agreeable company that prompted him to part with his quality supply of wine.

“Very good, very good indeed!” their master crackles in glee. “All the necessary offerings have been gathered!”

“…you’re not going to burn us, are you?”

“Of course not!” the energetic lady cries as if offended. “All of you are my treasured servants! I could never bear to part with you all!”

The words would probably have meant more if the servants were not well aware of Jeanne that had mysteriously disappeared one day…only for her alter form to appear soon after.

“Ok Karna. Start sparkling!”

“…pardon?”

“Or just do whatever suns do alright? I’m sure Ozzy will come if we have a sun here.”

Poor Karna just stares helplessly at the rest of them, completely clueless about what their crazy master wants. Gilgamesh simply shrugs. He has no idea what their master wants either. Siegfried helpfully suggests using flames as a light source which prompts Nitocris to run off and borrow a number of lenses from Sherlock. With the help of Quetzalcoatl, the two arrange the many lenses to surround the white haired lancer with their reflective surfaces. When the assembling is done, the two take a few steps back and Karna hesitantly starts to release some fire-

“ABORT! ABORT! ARGH! MY EYES!”

-/-/-

“Um…”

The sight of various heroic spirit decked out in various Egyptian styled clothing is hilarious to say the least. Thanks to the earlier failure, their master is now resorting to other means of forming a perfect catalyst to entice the King of Kings to come. Thankfully, EMIYA turned out to be good at sewing on top of his already stellar cooking skills. Within the hour, he was able to piece together some remotely passable Egyptian wear. Nitocris happily supplies the necessary jewellery to complete the look. Since she was already suitably dressed, she for the most part, simply busies herself with playing dress up with Quetzalcoatl and their master.

The males on the other hand are understandably less enthusiastic about the whole affair. Gilgamesh mainly picks out all the gold jewellery and dons them across his bare chest which makes an oddly fitting sight. The Magus of Flowers trades his original cloak for a very loose-fitting shirt, effectively gaining another coat. He then goes to help the pitiful Sun Knight who is being cornered by the three women in the room. They look ready to strip him of his amour and paint his face full of makeup, which leaves the normally gallant figure quaking in his boots.

Karna, being the sweetheart that he is, throws on a whole dress over his black body suit since there is no more men’s wear available. The elegant cut compliments his slim figure and he, much to his companions’ surprise, looks not bad at all. Siegfried, who has wrapped a loincloth haphazardly over his amour, is oddly focused on attaching some hair ornaments to the lancer’s hair. Said lancer might look as stoic as ever under the attention, but if one were look carefully, the faint beginnings of a blush is definitely present on his pale cheeks.

When they are finally all ready, their master sprinkles another handful of Saint Quartz into the summoning circle.

“Come on.”

To everyone’s huge surprise, golden sparks actually appear, signalling the arrival of a 4 star or above servant.

“YES! FINALLY- eh.”

The click of heals sound out as a hip looking lady dressed in trendy shorts and a white jacket steps out. Long green hair sways around her as she surveys her surroundings with sharp golden eyes.

“…I got spooked by Cleo…”

“Yorokobe shoujou.” Merlin consoles their master in a grave tone. Behind them, a mortified looking Gawain is still busily trying to wipe off his neatly done make up.  At least he managed to get out of squeezing into the remaining tight looking dresses.

-/-/-

They try many things after that.

Their efforts range from offering carefully crafted pyramids to building a temporary shrine for Ozymandias. Their master even goes to the extent of trying to burn her newly acquired 5 star servant for luck, which leads to the Egyptian queen running away screaming in terror.

Ultimately, nothing works and their master is in utter despair. Even Gilgamesh starts to feel a little pity for the distraught woman.

-/-/-

“NOTHING IS WORKING!” their master wails.

Surrounding her is tens of cards with stylised apples printed on them. While Gilgamesh has never seen such things before, he figures they must be of some use to their master with the way she keeps producing them, fiddling with the cards for a moment, before discarding them onto the floor.

Many hours have passed since they first begun and if he remembers correctly, the rate up period for the King of Kings should be passing soon. It would explain their master’s growing hysteria and desperation.

“I offer up my first-born child!”

A bunch of Black Keys and Mapo Toufus pop out of the summoning circle.

“I offer up my remaining bank balance!”

More useless craft essences and 3 star servants appear which quickly get shoved out of the room much to their confusion.

“I offer up my comfy bed!”

“Uh master, I’m not sure how valuable that would be considered to be-”

“What do you know about comfy beds Sumanai?” their master hollers, “Why are you even here anyway? Maybe I should bring in a bunch of servants with better luck…”

Siegfried looks visibly wounded at her words. He receives a comforting pat on the back from Karna and smiles weakly in response. The blond archer rolls his eyes at the whole affair. With his awesome presence, if the King of Kings still did not arrive, it could only mean that their master was fated not to summon the servant. He takes a big mouthful of wine and slowly savours its rich taste, his mind filled with nothing but thoughts of leaving.

“I offer up Gil’s virginity?” their master throws out randomly after a period of prolonged silence.

“PFFFT!”

Karna blinks once then twice at his now wine filled face while Siegfried scrambles to find some of their discarded Egyptian clothing to wipe off the mess.

“Please mongrel. You think such a pathetic offering would work? To begin with, this king is hardly a virgin…what.”

Having run out of Saint Quartz, their master resorted to using her stash of summoning tickets instead. The moment she drops the first ticket after uttering her words, an intense golden flare emerges from the summoning circle. When the glaring light finally clears, out steps Ozymandias in all his radiant glory.

“Holy Tiamat it actually worked.”

All the servants stare at the newly arrived servant with varying degrees of shock. Said servant smiles haughtily at all of them before requesting in that booming voice of his, “Well master, where is my promised offering?”

“Ah, ah. Be my guest.” the shell-shocked master gestures to the blond who is frozen stiff on the couches; his drinking companions have long since scrambled away from the site of impending conflict.

Quickly collecting his wits from the unexpected situation, Gilgamesh stares unamused at the fast approaching rider. The other had the gull to make a fool of him? Hah. The tanned male had only himself to blame if he found himself to be chock full of various pointy objects.

“…?”

For some reason no matter how he tries, the Gate of Babylon refuses to open. Unable to draw a single weapon to defend himself from the oncoming danger, it abruptly dawns on him exactly what kind of precarious situation he is in.

“I’m sorry Gil. It wouldn’t be too fair for Ozy to have to fight a fully ascended and grailed servant at level 1 right? Just take one for the team yeah.”

Sh-she! To think she would actually waste a command seal on something so trivial! The partially faded mark on the back of her hand seems to mock him and his circumstance. With Ozymandias almost on him, Gilgamesh feels his panic levels surge to a new high. Desperately, he looks to the side where he makes eye contact with the Magus of Flowers.

“Don’t look at me. I’m only interested in your caster version. You’re too much of an arrogant shit as of now.” the white haired male casually dashes his hopes in 3 sentences while flipping his hair absentmindedly.

The blond searches further for potential help. Quetzalcoatl is deliberately avoiding eye contact while the Nitocris is looking at the unfolding events with stars in her eyes and a little drool coming out of her mouth.

Uh. Ignoring the…unusual reaction, he turns to the last 2 servants. The Dragon Blooded Knight is still wallowing in despair from their master’s words and Karna looks torn in three directions: staying to reassure Siegfried that he is useful, agreeing with their master in sacrificing the blond archer or coming to said archer’s aid. Gilgamesh correctly concludes that all of them would not be helping him out of his predicament anytime soon.

“You know, you could always run.”

The blond startles at the voice. The Sun Knight had been so successful in trying to disappear into his little corner that pretty much everyone had forgotten his presence. As it is, Gilgamesh registers the sound advice and dodges just in time to avoid being grabbed by the overly excited rider. Letting out an uncharacteristic shriek, the King of Heroes bolts out of the summoning chamber with Ozymandias hot at his heels.

The remaining servants and master stare at each other somewhat awkwardly at the unexpected turn of events. No one seems willing to make the first move to leave or do anything really.

“Maybe Gilgamesh will be able to escape Ozymandias?” the Karna suggests somewhat hopefully.

“Nah.” their master shoots down that hope immediately, “I know I didn’t say it out loud, but my command was for Gil to not fight back and submit to Ozy eventually.”

“Ah.”

The awkward silence resumes once more.

“I guess we should all mourn for Gil’s ass then? Press ‘F’ to pay respects.”

“F.”

“???”

All the servants save for Merlin give their crazy master incredulous looks.

“What? You all don’t know that? It’s not even an obscure one! Well then, I suppose as your master it’s my job to educate you all on the wonderful world of memes. First off…”

-/-/-

The cafeteria is on a normal day, mainly filled with just a handful of Chaldea’s staff who need their daily meals. On Fridays however, the entire area would be filled to the brim with heroic spirits. Although they technically do not need food for sustenance, they would make Friday an exception considering that it was EMIYA who would take over the entire kitchen to cook. While the normal meals served were by no means bad, it is just EMIYA’s cooking has the tendency of making everything else look bad in comparison.

In the centre of the room, the table where a certain King of Kings sits is particularly crowded. Word about the unique circumstances surrounding the raven’s summoning had quickly spread causing many curious individuals to gather round to hear more.

Being the benevolent pharaoh that he is, Ozymandias was more than happy to recount his tale.

“I know that most of you have already warned me about how much of an arrogant asshole Gil can appear to be-“

“He _is_ an arrogant asshole.” Merlin hurries to correct.

“Sheesh just let the man finish. I want to hear about how Goldie is like in bed.”

While it is Cu Chulainn who voiced these thoughts, it is clear that that is the question running through all of the gathered servants’ heads. Nitocris especially, seems particularly eager about the whole thing with her note pad at hand, half of which is already filled with notes about Karna’s and Siegfried’s relationship. Her ears twitch eagerly in anticipation and plastered across her face is a hungry expression of pure longing.

“Goldie huh, that’s a good nickname I suppose. Where did I stop? Oh yes. Goldie is surprisingly cute in bed given his usual unlikeable character. He tries so hard to muffle his voice with his hands or a pillow whenever I thrust into him which is an awful pity. He really does make the lewdest moans whenever I hit his sweet spot.” the rider trails off dreamily, as if trying to reimagine the experience in his mind. 

“Also, the way he wraps his legs tightly around me and arches his back as he comes undone is just such an amazing sight to behold. Not to mention the faces he makes; those are simply divine.”

The crowd murmur among themselves in pleasant surprise. Now this was a new side to the King of Heroes that no one had seen coming. Feeling rather pleased with himself, Ozymandias is just about to continue with a more detailed recount of his nightly activities when he realises the once noisy crowd has abruptly gone silent. The cause of said silence turns out to be a very enraged Gilgamesh who is striding over with a murderous aura radiating from him.

“Oh hey Goldie-”

“TO DARE HUMILIATE THIS KING, DIE YOU MONGRELS!” Gilgamesh bites out furiously with his face red in flustered embarrassment. He draws himself up and prepares to skewer the storyteller and his earnest listeners with his countless treasures stored in the Gate of Babylon.

“…”

The results remain the same as yesterday, in which Gilgamesh gestures but absolutely nothing happens. Not even a hint of a golden shimmer was to be seen.

“YOU WRETCHED WOMAN. UNDO YOUR COMMAND THIS INSTANT!”

The archer demands angrily from his master who is sitting at a nearby table watching all the drama unfold. The orange haired girl merely takes an extra loud slurp from her noodles before calmly answering him.

“But Goldie, I’m going to be fighting in a particularly hard singularity later. Surely you can’t expect me to waste a precious command seal on such a trivial matter.” the fake innocence colouring her voice only serves to further infuriate the blond.

“TRIVIAL?! HOW IS THIS-”

“Well, how about a round two?”

Ozymandias stands up from his seat and in one sweeping motion, lifts the still fuming archer into a perfect princess carry hold. Stunned from the sudden change of position, Gilgamesh does not immediately fight back. It is only after the tanned male starts walking then does he realise his compromising position starts struggling desperately. Unfortunately for him, the command seal remains sound making him as weak as a kitten in all his petty punches and clawing. It probably does not help that their master immediately ascended and grailed the rider to the max this morning.

And so, the King of Kings walks out with his prize in hand, the cheering of the crowd drowning out the anguished wails of an unfortunate golden archer.

-Fin-

**Author's Note:**

> Yes Ozy. I have a Gil waiting for you at home so please do come visit during your upcoming rate up banner. The Cleo spook is actually based on when I tried rolling for Ozy and I got her instead….  
> ._.  
> PLEASE KIREI. NO MORE SPOOKS.


End file.
